You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize