so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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