It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
