I wanna bring you to show and tell
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
