my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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