I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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