my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
