you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
