Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
