Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
