So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
