What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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