I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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