he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wish I only lived at night.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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