he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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