She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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