p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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