I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
