so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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