Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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