eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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