no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
