its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
