Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
