Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
