Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
