god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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