life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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