we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
