Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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