maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize