if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we made out on top of his cat.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
