It's Friday. Sex?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
