I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
