Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
