Sponge bath it is.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
