Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize