Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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