last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize