I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
