Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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