JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize