In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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