Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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