we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
