Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
