I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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