I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
