She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
