Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
