i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
