its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
