Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have feelings that need drinking.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
