I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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