Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
