Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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