I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
