Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
