remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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