Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I had to cum in my sink.
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