Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he was CRYING into my vagina
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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