If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My liver just had a heart attack.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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