Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
