I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
