I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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