If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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