I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize