I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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