I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
