I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I faked an abortion last night.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
