Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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