Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
