i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
