I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
